Last night was one of those nights, to much time on my hands and i got thinking about the past. Back to recent events and back to the times when my Anixety was at its worst. Add a little depression and a lot of stress and what do you get?? A hot mess.
When my Anxiety first accured i was scared for my life. I didnt know what was happening with my body, i was on the floor, freaking out. I couldnt breath, i couldnt stop crying, i was shaking and my mind was blank. I felt so helpless. The one person who was meant to be there didnt know how to deal with it..just like i didnt. It wasnt till after i had a couple of anxiety attacks, i decided to go to the docs and see a counselor that i kind of just learned how to deal with it. I started to notice when i was at that point again. Sometimes i was so stressed just from doing the washing or cleaning, i would get little black outs or the worst headaches ever. I remember one time i was lying on the kitchen floor in tears holding my head. I was in so much pain that just a little move triggered this shooting pain in my head. I have never felt anything like it in my life. My heart also started racing very often, wether i was just stressing about the dog being a butt or sometimes i wasnt even doing anything. I went from haven anxiety attacks very often to just feeling anxiety. It was hard to talk about it because i felt stupid. No one could feel what i was feeling so it just seemed pointless trying to make anyone understand. Looking back i wish i would have spoken about it. I got to a point where the anxiety was depressing me. I wouldnt say i was mega depressed i was just never happy because i constantly felt ill. It affected my whole life and i kinda just hit rock bottom..Last night looking back at how i tried to deal with it and how i felt going through it all just made me angry, sad and numb. Im glad i can talk about it now and i really hope to never have to go through it again.
Anyway enough of the depressng stuff! There are 2 friends in particular that have been on my mind all day that i just want to mention. Bianca also known as Miss Party Pants (You dont wanna know!). I have known her for hmm nearlly 5 years and she is in Afghanistan right now. She works for an amazing company called EFI/NAAFI haha just kidding. The company provides services to the armed forces overseas. She is a crazy lady and although there were times we didnt get along at all i still love and miss her! We have had some good times together & i hope to see her again soon. Miss yhoo Bskie!!
And my second friend is Claire..'Nora Suck my Dong''! She is having a hard time right now and has been dealing with some similar issues that i went through. I hope you feel better soon chick & you know where i am if you need to talk! xoxo
Enough of my rambles for today..Hoping tomorrow will bring some good news. Trying not to get my hopes to high but my life is depending on it. Good night!!
ツ Shareen
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